...in order to dissuade prospective viewers from wasting their time watching it. A buddy of mine found it at the library and let me borrow it if I promised to return it on time. I was tempted to turn it in late just to teach him a lesson, and you may rightfully guess that my opinion of his taste in movies dropped a notch or two. I suspect he was simply bedazzled by the occasional baring of boobies, infrequent as that flashing was. That, and like me he's got a thing for Juliet Landau.

"Hack!" is basically a poor man's version of "Scream," and nowhere near as entertaining. I'll admit its heart was in the right place (top shelf, second drawer), but the execution left much to be desired. Much. And I do mean much.

Tyro writer/director Matt Flynn and his crew give it a go, but we all know about good intentions and damned infrastructure. Flynn's script just isn't polished enough to survive the film's low budget. The incessant genre references get old fast (been there, done that), much of the dialog sounds bogus (though there are a few gems amongst the dross), and dramatic structure is almost non-existent. Suspense and tension ARE non-existent. The sound at times is poor. Much of "Hack!" seemed badly lit, and I don't mean purposefully. DP Roger "Loaded" Chingirian does what he can (and a number of shots are quite nice), but the storytelling just isn't visual enough to matter.

The acting is hardly award-winning, but when you're hamstrung with a clunker, whaddaya do? Standouts include the above-mentioned Juliet "Ed Wood" Landau as a wannabe filmmaker with a perverse kink or two, Sean "The Bold and the Beautiful" Kanan as her even more twisted hubby, Danica "Inspector Mom" McKellar assaying the "gotcha" girl (which any astute viewer will see coming from miles away), and Jay Kenneth "Days of Our Lives" Johnson manfully taking on the romantic lead. Burt "Rocky" Young and Tony "Me, too!" Burton make token appearances, along with William "Raising Arizona" Forsythe, proving once again that even respected professionals can take a paycheck and run.

I've already devoted far too many words to a movie that is best critiqued as "eh, there are plenty of better choices for your entertainment dollar." I tried it because Forsythe was in it, and more so, the delectable Ms. Landau. Sadly, even that didn't really make it a worthwhile time-killer. I suppose your mileage may vary, but I'd just as soon go back and watch "Scream" again. Or "Ed Wood". Now, there was a guy who knew how to make bad movies....

A motley group of college students embark on a field trip to the remote island estate of charming filmmaker Vincent King (solid Sean Kanan) and his flaky wife Mary Shelley (a delightfully dotty portrayal by Juliet Landau). Of course, a vicious killer starts picking the kids off left and right in assorted gruesome ways inspired by both classic and contemporary horror movies alike. Writer/director Matt Flynn delivers an entertainingly campy body count romp that displays a positively infectious love and affection for horror cinema; he sprinkles the picture with numerous witty and knowing references to such bona-fide classics as "The Birds," "Jaws," "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre," and "The Shining," cheerfully parodies all the tried'n'true clichés ("They always make us separate in these movies"), and pulls out all the stops for a hilariously ridiculous over-the-top conclusion while also pouring on the nice'n'nasty graphic gore with rip-roaring aplomb and even tossing in a decent smattering of tasty gratuitous female nudity for good measure. The enthusiastic cast have a ball with their colorful roles: the adorable Danica McKellar contributes an endearingly spunky performance as the sweetly geeky Emily, Jay Kenneth Johnson is likewise engaging as affable hunk Johnny, William Forsythe gleefully hams it up and sports a broad Scottish brogue as scraggly fisherman Willy, plus there are lively turns by Adrienne Frantz as the snarky, foul-mouthed Maddy, the ravishing Gabrielle Richens as sultry vamp Sylvia, and Justin Chon as sarcastic and effeminate smartaleck Ricky. Popping up in cool small roles are Tony Burton as the amiable Sheriff Stoker, Burt Young as crusty old sea salt skipper J.T. Bates, and Kane Hodder as the first victim who gets decapitated at the start of the film. Roger Chingirian's slick cinematography, Scott Glasgow's spirited shuddery score, and the bouncy rock soundtrack all further add to the considerable nutty fun. An extremely enjoyable slice'n'dice outing.

A group of students go to an island to study biology, although they all seem to like discussing horror films and almost no one wants to actually do their work. Drugs and sex are rampant, and the island's residents are a bit odd. Not "odd" in a weird way so much as eccentric, so the students go along with it. Then someone decides to kill the kids... and suspicions fall on one after another suspect.

Danica McKellar stars in this film as teacher's assistant Emily Longley. When the movie began and Danica entered the screen, I was smitten: I knew I had found possibly the most beautiful woman in movies (aside from my all-time favorites of Mandy Moore and Christina Ricci). So I looked her up and was shocked -- this was Winnie Cooper from "The Wonder Years" (who was never "hot" by any means, even though I think many kids had a crush on her for some reason). So, my point is: McKellar as the shy, bespectacled teacher's aide... priceless.

From there on out, I can understand why this film is generally considered pretty lackluster. It has a cheese factor somewhere between Gouda and Camembert. The movie rips off other horror films -- many character names are horror-based (Argento, Carpenter, etc.) and there's countless references (the boat being named Orca after the "we're going to need a bigger boat" line was awesome). If you don't love horror, these jokes are not funny... and even if you do, it might take a special kind of humor (the film is called "Hack" -- lighten up!).

Treat the movie like a game, and see how many references and rip-offs you can catch. Some are obvious (they directly mention a variety of films, including the Billy Zane classic "Dead Calm") and others not so much. I guarantee you I missed some of the references -- now I have to watch it again, and I gladly would.

Horror fans will also like the nudity (it's limited but it's here) and the blood. We got chainsaws, piranhas, sharp blades and even a scene with samurai or something (a reference I definitely missed). I can't wait to see it again so I can write a better review... oh yeah, Kane Hodder shows up briefly, too, and William Forsythe is a weird Scottish groundskeeper. Just watch this!!!